AT 29.....OMG

Ahmmmmm are we on............

I am Tina Edwards, 29 and single.

Call me crazy, but am blogging about it.

Now when I say single, let’s be clear--I mean single. I don’t have a fiancee, don’t have a boyfriend, actually don’t even have a cute crush right now except for my adorable cat (although I promise I’m not that crazy cat lady), rsvp for just one.

This fact still feels a little surreal since I never would have guessed a decade go-heck, even a few years ago — that I would find myself single at 29.  I have always hoped and wanted to eventually be married.  And frankly, I have lived most of my adult life assuming that marriage was inevitably just around the corner.  After all, that’s how it seemed to happen for everyone else, right?

But I blew out 29 candles this past April.  And while I did so genuinely loving my life more than ever. Practically majority of my friends tied the knot before we were even old enough to drive. They somehow locked lips with the man or woman of their dreams, and then pinky-promised one another that they would spend a lifetime together... no matter what.

I'm about to turn 30 in just a year and a half. As I'm writing this.

I'm about as far away from walking down the aisle as a bride as most Millennials are from cashing in on their 500 (k)s.

I'm also terribly annoyed at people telling me – both directly and indirectly – that I missed my chance at marriage. People will try to tell me that I should have spent more time looking for Mr. Right in my early 20s instead of spending too much time chasing career that am still chasing to date.

Some of my young, married friends tell me it's time to kick some of my insurmountable career dreams and instead spend that energy serial-dating until I find my guy.

My cousin once told me am "a senior professional spinster" if there is anything like that. Attending a family function is worse because every time they'll ask you, " Not yet, how are YOU still single." As if looking for a partner is just like visiting a grocery store.

Being 29 and single is a taboo mostly for the lady. The fear of turning 30. The big 3–0. Like most women, I have trepidation over the number. Some people hold the belief that if a person is not in a relationship, he/she must be lonely and miserable. As a result of this fear-inducing scenario, people may rush into relationships that are not the best fit and do not bring them joy. There is also a body of research that focuses on singlism imagine, a term that describes an anti-single sentiment. Singlism may result in “single adults in contemporary society [being] targets of stereotyping, prejudice, and discrimination…” Therefore, not only do people worry about being single, but those who are single are also judged for it.

When I look back at my childhood self, my high school self, my college self, and even my 5-years-ago self, I didn’t think I would be writing an article about being single — and I definitely didn’t think I’d be living in my mother's house. Instead, I pictured myself happily married with kids, living in a home, being the most badass, cookie-baking mum on the block. Whether that was a timeline I gave myself based on idealized expectations, memories of the past, or what I actually wanted, I’m not sure. I think we’re constantly evolving as people and coming into our own, and as that happens, what we thought we wanted (sometimes for the wrong reasons) versus what we actually want becomes a bit blurry.

Like many, I love the feeling of being in love. I love watching people falling in love. I love the sense of family that comes along with having that “person.”

But here I am 29 almost 30, and I’ve never…

• Taken a date-date to a wedding.

• Been a date-date to a wedding.

• Taken a date home for Christmas.

• Had someone to share the details of my workday with.

• Been able to spontaneously grab after-work drinks with a guy that I’m not just getting to know from Bumble or Hinge.

• Had really difficult conversations and vulnerably opened myself up.

• Compromised about life, like where to spend Christmas and holidays.

Someone in a relationship might think be thinking “wow, what a dream,” the reality is that I’ve never done any of these things because not only am I single right now, but I’ve been single for the better part of the past five years after a very bad break up. Sure, I’ve had little flings here and there, but nothing that’s given me the full invested, committed relationship experience. You know, things like compromise and unconditional support.

During those five years, I’ve watched friends fall in love, get married, have babies — and while I’m a big believer that you are where you’re supposed to be and that everything happens for a reason, I’ve started thinking more about my singledom. There are two sides to every story, right? The good and the bad.

I’ve read so many articles and books empowering single women to own it and why it’s actually amazing — that’s all well and good, but when you’re the single one, it’s not always so glam.

I can’t deny the ways that I’ve benefited from being single:

• I’ve traveled somewhere awesome with almost every single one of my best friends (and solo!)

• I engage in things I feel passionate about all the time.

• I’m independent and can hold my own; I love doing some things alone.

• I’d like to think I’m pretty self-aware

• I get to do what I want to do when I want to do it

• I’m living an amped-up version of “treat yourself”

• I spend my time learning new things

• I don’t fight over stuff like remote ( tongue out)

But at the end of the day, as humans, we’re hardwired to be intimately connected to other people. We’re supposed to find companions and fall in love. There have even been studies that show the healthiest people are those who are in good relationships, good relationships, how many times did I repeat myself.  

So real talk — yeah, being single can be great, but let’s talk about why it’s really hard to be and how I’ve learned to manage emotions around because sometimes it makes me feel really sad.

This is probably the hardest part for me — I always think there’s something wrong with me. I’ve been on awful dates where the guy was rude or had expectations of me that I wasn’t ready for, and I left the date feeling like it was me.

I’ve also met some really amazing guys — you know, the ones that got away. I constantly wonder “how did I let that happen?” Hindsight is 20/20. I go out on a lot of great dates with awesome guys. I think a first date should be a pretty easy one — you’re just getting to know each other and have a lot to talk about. But where do you draw the line between emotional and physical chemistry? How much do you need at first? What should you expect when you’re dating? It’s hard to decipher your feelings especially if you start to lose trust in your taste in men.

I have become fiercely independent. I have a hard time letting people help me or asking for help, and tend to take on too much. With this independence is the ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want - which is both a blessing and a curse. Learning to compromise is a skill, and sometimes I fear that I’ve lost this ability.

Actually, self-love is really hard, Sometimes. Sometimes you want someone to hug you at the end of the day and tell you it’s going to be okay. You want someone you love to tell you that those jeans don’t make you look fat and that you deserve the promotion more than anyone else. When you’re single, even when you have the best of friends, this security system and unconditional love don’t exist, so you have to work to build it yourself.

Ever been ghosted? I have. I’ve been ghosted at every stage in the dating process, and I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve been a ghoster, too. In the past two years, I made a commitment to be more open and honest with the people I’m dating — whether it’s one date or five. We’re human, and we deserve to be treated with respect. It hurts to think someone might not reciprocate your feelings, only to never hear from them again (and it’s scary to think you might hurt someone else!). As time goes on, we naturally become a bit jaded by the dating scene and it becomes even harder to get vulnerable, let loose and have fun.

So — how do we deal with the hard emotions that come along with being single? When everyone says it will happen when you least expect it, how do we stop hoping our carts will bump into “the one” next visit to the food store.

It’s not easy, and I’m certainly not there, we’re learning together. For me, it’s been a lot of self-reflection – reading books, forcing myself outside my comfort zone, and letting go of my expectations just a little bit. I know it might seem like a lot of work, but just like relationships are a lot of work, finding the right one can be, too.

Since we’re setting a precedence of honesty, truth, and vulnerability here — yes, I want a relationship. I want the good and the bad, and I want the love, the fights, and the compromise. And guess what? Yeah, I still want to be the badass, cookie-baking mum.  

But there’s one last perk: I think now I can be an even better badass, cookie-baking mum and an awesome wife — because I know me, and I like me.

I know that no relationship is perfect and no person is perfect, but I hope with time and reflection, the right person will come into my life God willing,cause I believe God's timing is the best.