It Never Goodbye

I am always the strong one when it comes to dealing with rejections and lost friendships, I have a way of self talk with my self, breath in and out, and move on with life. I can't seem to come to grip with death. Mostly of a loved one, a friend whom I hold close to my heart. The first person who broke my heart was my dad, his death was the biggest blow ever, I mourned for almost 5 years. Considering during the period he lived, he was super unwell and I'd rather see him resting peaceful than suffering in pain for the rest of his life. I selfishly expected him to live forever, as many of us feel regarding our loved once. Death, murder and your thoughts are a combination that I sincerely can't wish on anyone, no one should endure the emotional pain that come with it, but unfortunately at some point we can't avoid it.I have never been a fan of series but I remember watching a few of murder cases that people die mysteriously, some of the accused are caught while others are never discovered. I lost a dear friend, a sister, a companion on 19/1/2020 our dear Liz, woke up, dressed up but she never showed up. I miss her and love her soooo much I wish I could tell her one more time how much I love her and am super proud of the woman she was becoming.

She was involved in a hit and run, then left dead like a piece of trash by the road side. I have not come to grip with Liz's death because there is no closure. No leads to her case, not even a single lead. Lately in this country so many hit and run cases have gone unsolved. Thankful for a few cases of people who have been "snitching" to the authority, some families are able to get the closure they needed as a family. I am stilling hoping and praying someone will show up and tell us what really happened to Liz. The saddest part is that she was alive, well and ready to do a lot of projects.

My mind is taking me on a journey, and even though I have been there before, this time, because I have put on a smile and shut out my feelings it’s making it that much harder to cope with it. It’s funny how the mind works because what we may think is not affecting us, or bothering us really is, when it’s staring you in the face. To us, if it is not in our conscious then we are ok, but when you wake up one morning and you remember a dream that you had, or one day you are just driving, or walking and something very random pops into your head, you will know at that point you were wrong. They say you should be a watcher of your thoughts trying not to be critique and dismiss them. Try to learn from them and figure out the message behind it. I have not yet been able to decipher my thoughts, but I do know that the only thing I can get from it is that am keeping too much in. The death of a loved one is not easy, I feel pain for many families who endure the same pain my family and I feel, mostly the mother/ parents. I wish I could wipe the pain in my dear mother. My mother cries is super painful, she always ask why she had to live and Liz had to die every single day since the 19th of January.

They say that the mind is a powerful instrument if used correctly, but when you have so many thoughts going on in your head you just want to turn it off, even for just a minute, just to have some peace and quiet, and sanity. The most powerful tool we have been blessed with, some would feel they are cursed if they had to constantly relive horrible memories and thoughts. To me, I am blessed, even through my sleepless nights and nightmares, because that is something that no one can take away from me—it is where I store my fondest memories and where I hide my worst.

“I am always saddened by the death of a good person. It is from this sadness that a feeling of gratitude emerges. I feel honored to have known them and blessed that their passing serves as a reminder to me that my time on this beautiful earth is limited and that I should seize the opportunity I have to forgive, share, explore, and love. I can think of no greater way to honor the deceased than to live this way.”  ― Steve Maraboli