I met my boyfriend's, girlfriend.....heartbreaking, extremely devastating I know, very. A situationship is an “almost relationship,” meaning you’re not just friends, not just casually hooking up, but haven’t defined the relationship. To some, this might look like casual meals and hanging out, but never really discussing the future —could look different for anyone. It’s important to keep in mind, that in this situation you owe no one an explanation and I mean none. Relationships and dating don’t all look the same, particularly when compared to the experience of dating that our parents or grandparents had.
I have found myself in one and worse I have also put someone's son in one..yes, super guilty. I just wanted to ‘hanging out’ or have a ‘thing’ without a label. Cause the thought of being alone was super scary. I didn't want a relationship because of my past experience. Situationships either work or don’t, just like any other relationship. What separates a situationship from the more conventional dating relationships is all that is left up in the air — boundaries, expectations, and the future. Everyone has their own emotions, motives, and history. The only person to judge what works best for you, however, is you. Someone in a situationship might also struggle with a decrease in self-esteem or a sense of loneliness from the potential lack of emotional attachment like in my previous case. As I said, everyone’s feelings are different, but it’s important to remember that whatever you do feel, is valid. No one knows how you should feel, but you.
Who doesn't want to be loved and give back the same type of love? I know I want, I hope for the pure love, the one that I don't need to hide, the one that I don't only come when it's convenient, the John Legend and Chrissy Teigen kind of love. I want to be a mum, I want it all ( in a good way) but it gets scary when you get that "one" and all he wants is a Luther Vandross kind of love, "The secret love" or vice versa. One of my mentors told me, when it's right you'll know.
Take a look at this gender difference as studied, it will help you navigate this precarious situation.
A woman’s perspective:
Ask most women how she feels about the casual relationship and unless she is Samantha from ‘Sex in the City‘ she’s probably not a big fan. Most often she was in casual relationships that didn’t work out in the past and she may have been hurt...bingo...Me, relatable.
A man’s perspective
Men, however, view causal relationships as a way to ‘test drive’ a person to see how compatible they are before committing. From the man’s perspective, he gets to know a woman with less pressure. In many ways, it’s cheaper too, either you go dutch so you don’t have to spend money on dating.
If you are not in a place where you want to commit, I feel it's better to be alone. With situationships, there is a lot more that is left unclear and undefined about the relationship. A lot of people crave stability and clear boundaries, and if these are something you personally need, not having them can be harmful to your mental health. Openness and communication with whomever you’re seeing are imperative in assuring the situation continues to work for both of you and no one gets hurt. Just because there aren’t any feelings, in the beginning, doesn’t mean there won’t be later. It’s easy to think you can change someone. Although this can apply to many aspects of a relationship, in this case, you might think you can change their desire to commit. If you’re being honest with yourself, you might think if you spend enough time together, they’ll be ready to commit. Not the case — if someone’s not ready, take their word for it. So, what does this mean for mental health? Although different for everyone, the inability to get someone to commit could bring up feelings of rejection and an individual will devalue him/herself. The paradox of healthy self-esteem is that we need someone else to validate ourselves as worthy. In situationships, thoughts of “Why won’t they date me?” and “What’s wrong with me?” can be all-consuming — it’s not feeling validated that can be most detrimental to your own mental health.
As cliche as it is, a lot of times the answer in these situations is that it is the other person, not you. Hearing this might be unsettling, but the sooner you accept the person’s feelings, the sooner you can return to a world of self-love and feeling valued as a person.
Like I said earlier everyone needs to be loved, and because society has labeled a single person as the one who is not normal, we run for situationship, for some, it's even normal to date married individuals. While it’s true that there are no two people that feel the exact same emotions or hold identical truths, you have to decide what’s healthy and feels best for you. You might find a lot of advice, stories, truths — however, the only person who knows exactly how you feel is you. How you feel might not be how your best friend feels, and maybe not how the other person in your situationship feels. From my own personal experience. I learned that being alone doesn't mean being lonely. There's this song by Zuchu ( Tanzania Super Mega babe) Kupendwa raha...
" Raha, kupendwa raha (Mmhh kupendwa raha) Raha, jamani raha (naona raha) Raha, kupendwa raha (Kupendwa raha) Raha, jamani raha"
Super real nothing beats receiving the same love you give.
Situationship will forever be uncomfortable if not for both of you, then I freely promise you one party will get bored or as they say "emotionally frustrated." How do you know is time to let go;
You definitely have feelings and they’re not reciprocated
The other person is not willing to communicate
You’re more stressed, anxious, or upset than usual
The happy moments with this person are few and far between — an often overwhelmed by uncertain and anxious feelings
You don’t feel like your best self
If you end up deciding that it’s time to move on, it can be a sigh of relief, but there is also a potential for feeling sad or upset post-situationship. Time always heals, you rather let go than hold on to something that will never bear fruits. You'd also rather break someone's heart than making them build fantasy castles that will be consumed with hate and anger.
Here are a few ways that can help you move on; they worked for me miraculously;
Lean on your support system: Your support system can help distract you and also cheer you up in harder times! Seeking a therapist if you can. It's always good to have that shoulder and person you can trust 100 with your worst form of fears.
Create some space: Know that it’s okay to grieve this person as you would a breakup, even if you weren’t in a traditional committed relationship — it’s okay to unfollow the person in all manners of today's world and take time away.
Take time to journal: Make a list of what you want to look for next time in a romantic partner and remind yourself why this particular person didn’t work out.
Explore: Where to begin? Start going for walks in nature. If you’re not used to those, you’ll be surprised how quickly can they crawl into your system. Go outside, walk in the forest and enjoy the sound of it. Take time to think and write down your plan
Self Care: Ask yourself what will make you happier on a day-to-day basis, what will help you regain self-worth, and plan out how you can make that happen.
The best thing that can be taken from a situationship is the lessons you learned about yourself. You might take away a new appreciation for your strength, resilience, or ability to express your emotions. Each setback will only help you grow as a person. The moral of the story, everyone’s situationship is different and each experience holds its own emotions and truths. There is no cookie-cutter guide to determine if you’re in a healthy situation or if it’s time to get out — trust your instincts and don’t forget to make yourself a priority. Remember: we are not in a Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher movie " No Strings Attached." And although it might work out, it’s okay when things don’t always end happily ever after. Being alone is not loneliness.
" Remember that self-love is also revolutionary and world-changing. We cannot fight for others when we are fighting a war inside ourselves. Compassion is reflexive, a power that we first bestow on ourselves and then give away through our actions-to people, to our planet. When we recognize that truth, that's when we let love become our legacy." Amanda Gorman
